It has been a very hard week. I can cry, and me hatefull yet feel on top of the world all at the same time. I took a fall today it really ticked me off; I know it has been over five months since the last fall. I just no longer want to be sick. I guess it is too much to ask right now. I am missing my mom so very bad. I am sill sick and finally thinking I could be getting better with the infections. I want to hear my moms voice since that is impossible right now since she is not talking yet. She has made great stride and is recovering very well. It is amazing how she refuses to be unable to do anything. I guess I know where I get it from. I feel like I should have been there the whole time. However, the husband says that she would be upset if I put my life on hold. The mixed information from my grandparents in driving me crazy yet I refuse to go against her wishes, and I don’t want to give her this illness crap. She has plenty enough going on. I guess I am being selfish want to be there. So what if I am it is my mom. The husband, as in mine, and I are back to the comfortable stage, it is not cool with me. However, I am still trying to make it work. I just wonder something if it is on both sides the similar efforts. We have to at lease make it through the holiday for Chelsea’s sake. I am missing Chandler so badly here lately. The no resonce from the other family he has only made it worse.

The moods, depression, and feeling hard and looking down on myself is getting horrible. I truly need to be able to look on the bright side. I never though if anything ever happened to my mom, I would take it hard. We had our hard times. However, I got so close to her in the short time. We started our relationship once again. I just hope I can keep up to her expectations, and she remembers at least something as in who I am, and that I am her daughter.

I am so very ready for the break in school this BIO class has been overwhelming. I also wonder if the husband going back to work and the infections are not taking a toll as well. I have to say by him going back to work the independence, I, though I would have gained would have been a gift. In stead, I have felt trapped and would’ve o go and be way from the house more. The husband is tired when he gets off, and much time is on the computer and the phone or asleep.

well until next time,

the lost one…..


Today I started a small workout. I have to find something to do in order to hold my mind. Mom is still in the hospital. I miss her so very much. I kick myself for not answering the phone. As well as not making the arrangements to go see her. I made our thanksgivings for just the 3 of us, to leave me feeling very unappreciated. Not a thank you or it is great. It was all the way I want everything to taste. just like grandmas and my own mix. The tastes and smells reminded me of being a kid again. Chelsea is having me at my wits end as normal. Homework is piling up, laundry to put away, a sink and counter full of dishes from the large meal. My husband who I have split with; however, still living in the same house. We are about getting along. We will see what happens. My temper could blow at any time feel very unappreciated. In the place of a thank you for care for Chelsea today, and cooking all the big dinner food. I heard “Where is the wet corn?” which was replied by “I made a corn casserole.”
A husband who still has not gotten a check from starting to work on the 7th of November between two jobs. He appears to be enjoying his time at home. I hope I do not have to hear about how much he misses us any time soon. His mind busy once again, In the consideration the computer and phone have much more interesting things to offer than his wife who he claims he is trying to work things out with and his daughter who loves him with every bit of her heart and little mind possibly can.
The noticing of a broken part of the craft cabinet, that I did not notice. this could have been from all the cooking in the last two day a crazy kid driving me up the wall dealing with the phone company to see about insurance for the phones. plus teaching our daughter letters. Nothing ever seems right. My mood was very improved until nap time that my three-year-old decided not to take. Somehow, (Miss Chelsea) my bedroom door got closed, and mom caught an hour of sleep. Then felt horrible I did not notice she was up playing in her room. receiving a response from her dad that I should have gotten up and whooped her and put her back in bed. I figured at that point my blood was boiling. So I decided to bit my tongue.

Health is doing better on a good note. Just fell like I am losing my mind, The man I want to be with will not answer. I hate to tell my husband, he is right about him. That he does what he wants when he wants and does not care what anyone else does unless it helps him. Kind of like me without that selfish part. I have to say I have a heart of gold I once wore on my leave. Now it appears to be in my pocket. I still manage to take it out way to soon, as it always manages to get hurt. The example is with the husband, and I working on this my guard got let down and once again. I had it all set up to be open and was hurt. In a trust and honesty level.